Rink scandal! Child skaters used in occult coach ritual!
I have always wondered the secret to the dashingly youthful looks that so many ice skating coaches have. The Tammasaurus once explained that the chill of the rinks that they spend so much time in provided enough of a cryogenic freezing effect to keep their skin nice and taut as they age. Never has the Tammasaurus spoken more untruth than in that moment! This reporter comes to you now with what he believes to be the true source of the stunning looks that our venerable ice skating coaches continue to sustain not through the rink's natural benefits, but through the evil draining of young childrens' energies!
I stumbled into this sinister plot while doing the most innocuous of acts: finishing off my time on the evening patch session with a few poor attempts at improving my upright spin.
Typically I'm the only adult on this session (not counting the coaches) and the rest is made up of kids that have come straight from school to practise. Little do they know the disturbing role they are set to play in the moments to come...
As the clock hits 5, suddenly the music changes and the kids around me are overcome by a trance. They all begin to execute the same moves over and over in a synchronised manner while the music drums out a frenzied pace that they slavishly follow as they circle the rink's perimeter. One or two coaches stand by to pick up any that have fallen out of the rhythm and ensure they know the current move as the group rotates through a series of different exercises.
Mercifully, I was too old to be affected by the daze that had overcome the children and I fled the ice in panic only to find myself watching in horror from the rink balcony as the children continued to wheel around its surface, utterly ensorcelled. I felt certain I was seeing a satanic ritual in action. This was the means by which the coaches sustained their boundless youthfulness; by draining the childrens' energies as they unwittingly performed the necessary ritual steps in elegant synchronicity.
And the Tammasaurus' role in all this? She always claims she leaves the rink in the afternoon in order to "collect her children from school", but I now feel certain that she actually hides out in the coaches' locker room waiting for the ritual to begin. She channels the energies into the demonic pact through the medium of an elaborate, ceremonial dance that I'm certain must look something like this:
Reader, the dramatic truth of this situation cannot be understated. Who knows how old the coaches really are? No sane human being learns the secrets of teaching the triple Lutz or the Westminster Waltz in anything less than a lifetime so many of them must surely be many hundreds of years old! Who knows how many kids they have drained into lifeless husks in exchange for prolonging their lives!
Not one to shirk my civic duties in fighting evil cults wherever they may be, the following day, I approached one of my coaches from back in my Learn to Skate group days: Ashley.
"Can we discuss the satanic ritual that took place yesterday on the ice?" I opened accusingly.
"... You mean the Ice Academy group class?" he replied with a laugh.
OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT IT WAS, ASHLEY, YOU'RE FOOLING NO ONE. I HAVE YOUR NUMBER... Okay, I actually don't... BUT THE FRONT DESK WILL PROVIDE IT TO ME ON REQUEST!
Now that I have exposed the truth then I feel certain that my safety is not assured, I may awaken to discover a toe pick in my head. If I never make another post on this blog then I implore you to contact your favourite demonic combat agency and send them immediately to save me! Buffy, Lucifer, the Ghostbusters, those kids on community service in Misfits, etc. etc.
I stumbled into this sinister plot while doing the most innocuous of acts: finishing off my time on the evening patch session with a few poor attempts at improving my upright spin.
Typically I'm the only adult on this session (not counting the coaches) and the rest is made up of kids that have come straight from school to practise. Little do they know the disturbing role they are set to play in the moments to come...
As the clock hits 5, suddenly the music changes and the kids around me are overcome by a trance. They all begin to execute the same moves over and over in a synchronised manner while the music drums out a frenzied pace that they slavishly follow as they circle the rink's perimeter. One or two coaches stand by to pick up any that have fallen out of the rhythm and ensure they know the current move as the group rotates through a series of different exercises.
Mercifully, I was too old to be affected by the daze that had overcome the children and I fled the ice in panic only to find myself watching in horror from the rink balcony as the children continued to wheel around its surface, utterly ensorcelled. I felt certain I was seeing a satanic ritual in action. This was the means by which the coaches sustained their boundless youthfulness; by draining the childrens' energies as they unwittingly performed the necessary ritual steps in elegant synchronicity.
And the Tammasaurus' role in all this? She always claims she leaves the rink in the afternoon in order to "collect her children from school", but I now feel certain that she actually hides out in the coaches' locker room waiting for the ritual to begin. She channels the energies into the demonic pact through the medium of an elaborate, ceremonial dance that I'm certain must look something like this:
 |
| The necessity of the all-in-one outfit pictured is yet to be confirmed, but I fear the worst... |
Reader, the dramatic truth of this situation cannot be understated. Who knows how old the coaches really are? No sane human being learns the secrets of teaching the triple Lutz or the Westminster Waltz in anything less than a lifetime so many of them must surely be many hundreds of years old! Who knows how many kids they have drained into lifeless husks in exchange for prolonging their lives!
Not one to shirk my civic duties in fighting evil cults wherever they may be, the following day, I approached one of my coaches from back in my Learn to Skate group days: Ashley.
"Can we discuss the satanic ritual that took place yesterday on the ice?" I opened accusingly.
"... You mean the Ice Academy group class?" he replied with a laugh.
OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT IT WAS, ASHLEY, YOU'RE FOOLING NO ONE. I HAVE YOUR NUMBER... Okay, I actually don't... BUT THE FRONT DESK WILL PROVIDE IT TO ME ON REQUEST!
Now that I have exposed the truth then I feel certain that my safety is not assured, I may awaken to discover a toe pick in my head. If I never make another post on this blog then I implore you to contact your favourite demonic combat agency and send them immediately to save me! Buffy, Lucifer, the Ghostbusters, those kids on community service in Misfits, etc. etc.
Your sense of humour is hilarious 😂😂
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