Intro to public session skater taxonomy for beginners (15 credits)
It was a school break this week in the UK, so the rink was overflowing with parents and their kids looking for something to distract them. I've had this post about exactly those kind of times in draft for a while and I think now is the time to deploy...
Are you able to tell a Red Zoner from a White Zoner? Welcome to my lecture on public session skater taxonomy, which is an optional module you can take for 15 credits. There will be an assignment to collect samples of taxonomic specimens and a written exam on the tendencies of the various zones. You can buy my recommended text for the course (my own book of course!), Rink Etiquette 101, from any good academic book store. If the people at the back of the class are done yawning... yes, I'm talking about you guys... then I'll begin.
Public sessions are the destruction derby of ice rinks. Actually, that's ice hockey, but if you don't want to strap on more armour than a medieval knight and smash a tiny piece of rubber around a rink then you can enjoy similar chaos at your average busy public session. For the best experience, I'd recommend any weekend session and you can go for extra risk by choosing the evening disco session, which will be full of kids fuelled up on energy drinks. I didn't risk going to a disco session for research purposes because I like my limbs intact. Just kidding, you'll be fine... Probably.
Anyway, to the dedicated societal taxonomist, there is a delicate ecosystem at work during public ice skating sessions that can be identified and grouped by where skaters are on the ice and, to an extent, what they're doing in those places.
To begin, please see diagram A, Rink Zoning, below:
Nice bit of MS Paint I'm sure you'll agree. If you're excited about the prospect of a diagram B then I wouldn't hold your breath, I've not finished writing this lecture but I don't think there's going to be one. If you're lucky there'll be a picture (I've now finished writing it, spoiler alert: no other diagrams or pictures).
Okay, so, what is all this? Imagine the above is a bird's eye view of an ice rink. Each coloured section indicates an area of the ice surface (except white, more on that in a sec). So who's where and what're they up to?
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White - White Zoners aren't on the ice. They're safe (relatively), but if their intention was to be skating that day then they've definitely failed.
A whole bunch of people hang out here: skater mums cheering on their kid's successes and quietly cursing the other kids; Red Zoners that're tired after powering round for a whole minute on the ice; people that aren't sure about getting on the ice; other zoner types redoing their laces; rink guards that don't fancy skating around today; people that are tending to injuries. The list is endless.
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Blue - Skaters in the blue zone are either other zoners that are having a rest or, more commonly, they're the true Blue Zoners, which are those that are clutching the rink barrier for dear life and counting off the seconds until the end of the session. Everyone starts somewhere in ice skating and, much like the edge of a swimming pool, the barrier's that safe, sensible starting place.
Blue Zoners don't interact much with the rest of the public skaters, Yellow and Red Zoners actually quite like it if the majority of the public session are Blue Zoners because it means the rest of the ice is free to practise on. You have to expect to move out of the way of a Blue Zoner if you're resting by the barrier, as the thought of going round you not only poses a serious risk to their physical health, but could severely damage their mental health through the stress of having to leave their life jacket, the barrier. If you don't move then a queue of nervous Blue Zoners can build up behind the first, building pressure until morale breaks and a mad dash around you begins.
Over time, most Blue Zoners graduate to become Green Zoners as their confidence and stability improves.
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Green - holding down the band of ice a few metres from the barrier, Green Zoners are typically casual skaters, sometimes called Ice Tourists. You can also find some Yellow Zoners that are chilling out, masquerading as Green Zoners in this area.
Green Zoners make up most of the population of a country. They are people that just fancy a skate from time to time, but never take any lessons. They're skating as a fun, social diversion (which it is!), just like going bowling or to the cinema. Their ability to stop or respond to immediate danger is pretty low but they can skate laps of the rink to varying degrees of competency. Kids in this category tend to be fairly oblivious of anything around them and some will be armed with a skating aid (penguin/snowman/metal or plastic frame), which they will push directly at you and simply expect you to move. Be prepared.
Green Zoners are a bit like timid but friendly animals, very nice if you go to chat to them, but if you do anything sudden, impressive or pass too close to them at speed then they are likely to spook or get so caught up watching you that they lose their balance and collapse. I have legitimately made a Green Zoner fall over while watching me perform the smallest and least finessed of forward spirals for barely two seconds. No one should be impressed by such a thing, though maybe she fell because of how appalled she was?
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Red - WARNING, RED ZONE, TREAD CAREFULLY. The area beyond the green zone marks the murky reaches labelled as "here be dragons...". Turns out, those dragons are people in hockey skates that're uncharitably thought of by some as the Ice Bullies. Note: I don't call them ice hockey skaters because they're usually not; people in hockey skates typically go to the rink regularly but haven't committed to learning any actual ice hockey (or other skating discipline). The one thing they have learned though is how to build speed aggressively, which they'll use to charge round the rink as fast as they can before pulling their fastest and most impressive hockey stop. This stop in their hands (or feet) is a sort of ritualistic, primal genitalia comparison technique that they use to size each other up, establish a pecking order within their groups and impress their gender of choice from the Red and Green Zoners - the more ice they kick up during their stop, the more they feel they are demonstrating their prowess as a potential mate.
Red Zoners are the natural predators of the herbivorous Green Zoners, so they often stray into the green zone to harass them. Blue Zoners aren't worth any prestige so they're usually left alone, but they sometimes take collateral damage from hockey stop ice sprays.
The easy way to handle Red Zoners is to move as predictably as possible and don't be fazed when they come charging towards you. Red Zoners lose a huge amount of rink status if they actually crash or fall over so it's in their best interests to avoid you, even if their skating doesn't make it seem that way. Moving predictably means they can plan a route around you in the most impressive fashion they can think of so everyone's kept safe and happy.
You might be tempted to contact a rink guard to get them to discourage or tell off bothersome Red Zoners, this is ill-advised though as at least half of rink guards started off as a Red Zoner (and are thus best friends with the others) while the other half are, quite sensibly, too scared to approach them.
If all else fails, Red Zoners have shockingly low stamina; they'll terrorise the rink for about 10 minutes of manic speed and charging around before leaving the ice for a rest and a play on their phones.
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Yellow - In the centre circle of the rink lies the hallowed yellow zone, an area that is often frequented by Green Zoners that've gotten lost, or have been herded into it by some Red Zoners. Actual Yellow Zoners are typically low level free skaters or ice dancers. Their grace and poise is matched in equal part by their ability to roll their eyes and look sulky when their precious centre circle is tainted by other Zoners. Yellow Zoners deliberately hang out in the middle to give themselves some space to practise and they don't like when it's invaded.
Most Green Zoners don't even know that they've gotten in the way of a Yellow Zoner attempting a fancy move. All that happens is the Green Zoner placidly skates through the centre, blissfully unaware of the rapidly approaching Yellow Zoner who suddenly aborts their attempted move slyly and sighs heavily as another attempt at practice is thwarted.
I would recommend staying out of a Yellow Zoner's way, but there won't be any repercussions if you don't; you'll just be silently cursed and have eyes rolled in your direction while you're not looking. However, you might indirectly feel their wrath if you stand too close and overhear them complaining loudly to anyone that will listen about how inconsiderately "people are always getting in my way."
-------------------------
Bringing it together...
So you see, the delicate ecosystem of the rink plays out in a beautiful harmony. Yellow Zoners occupy the centre of the rink where, in theory, there should be the least traffic so they can practise in peace. Protecting this are the Red Zoners who need to avoid the middle to maintain their racing speeds. In turn, Red Zoners chaotic tendencies discourage the Green Zoners from straying too far from the edge of the rink. Everyone just ignores the Blue Zoners, but they continue to supply the Green Zoners with new members as Green Zoners succumb to fatigue and are eaten by the predatory Red Zoners. White Zoners just get to watch the whole affair play out.
You may wonder where all the mid-to-high level free skaters, ice dancers and actual ice hockey players are. They rarely sully themselves with public skating sessions and instead prefer to stick to the dedicated training sessions for their respective disciplines. If one does join you on the public session, you can rest assured that they are completely harmless no matter how spectacular they look, as they have considerably more control over their movements than the entire public session combined. Just stay out of their way and they'll do their best to stay out of yours.
And that brings us to the end of the public session skater taxonomic breakdown. I hope this has been informative. Don't forget to bring your spotter's guide next time you're at the rink!
... Wait, what's that? The university can't afford to continue funding my department? Sorry guys, it looks like you'll have to find another 15 credit module to fill out your credit quota. I'm still expecting the assignment though, and I'll see you all at the written exam!
Are you able to tell a Red Zoner from a White Zoner? Welcome to my lecture on public session skater taxonomy, which is an optional module you can take for 15 credits. There will be an assignment to collect samples of taxonomic specimens and a written exam on the tendencies of the various zones. You can buy my recommended text for the course (my own book of course!), Rink Etiquette 101, from any good academic book store. If the people at the back of the class are done yawning... yes, I'm talking about you guys... then I'll begin.
Public sessions are the destruction derby of ice rinks. Actually, that's ice hockey, but if you don't want to strap on more armour than a medieval knight and smash a tiny piece of rubber around a rink then you can enjoy similar chaos at your average busy public session. For the best experience, I'd recommend any weekend session and you can go for extra risk by choosing the evening disco session, which will be full of kids fuelled up on energy drinks. I didn't risk going to a disco session for research purposes because I like my limbs intact. Just kidding, you'll be fine... Probably.
Anyway, to the dedicated societal taxonomist, there is a delicate ecosystem at work during public ice skating sessions that can be identified and grouped by where skaters are on the ice and, to an extent, what they're doing in those places.
To begin, please see diagram A, Rink Zoning, below:
 |
| Diagram A, Rink Zoning This isn't exactly what rinks look like, but it's the best I could do in five minutes. What's that? I could've spent more time on it? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaah. |
Okay, so, what is all this? Imagine the above is a bird's eye view of an ice rink. Each coloured section indicates an area of the ice surface (except white, more on that in a sec). So who's where and what're they up to?
-------------------------
A whole bunch of people hang out here: skater mums cheering on their kid's successes and quietly cursing the other kids; Red Zoners that're tired after powering round for a whole minute on the ice; people that aren't sure about getting on the ice; other zoner types redoing their laces; rink guards that don't fancy skating around today; people that are tending to injuries. The list is endless.
-------------------------
Blue Zoners don't interact much with the rest of the public skaters, Yellow and Red Zoners actually quite like it if the majority of the public session are Blue Zoners because it means the rest of the ice is free to practise on. You have to expect to move out of the way of a Blue Zoner if you're resting by the barrier, as the thought of going round you not only poses a serious risk to their physical health, but could severely damage their mental health through the stress of having to leave their life jacket, the barrier. If you don't move then a queue of nervous Blue Zoners can build up behind the first, building pressure until morale breaks and a mad dash around you begins.
Over time, most Blue Zoners graduate to become Green Zoners as their confidence and stability improves.
-------------------------
Green Zoners make up most of the population of a country. They are people that just fancy a skate from time to time, but never take any lessons. They're skating as a fun, social diversion (which it is!), just like going bowling or to the cinema. Their ability to stop or respond to immediate danger is pretty low but they can skate laps of the rink to varying degrees of competency. Kids in this category tend to be fairly oblivious of anything around them and some will be armed with a skating aid (penguin/snowman/metal or plastic frame), which they will push directly at you and simply expect you to move. Be prepared.
Green Zoners are a bit like timid but friendly animals, very nice if you go to chat to them, but if you do anything sudden, impressive or pass too close to them at speed then they are likely to spook or get so caught up watching you that they lose their balance and collapse. I have legitimately made a Green Zoner fall over while watching me perform the smallest and least finessed of forward spirals for barely two seconds. No one should be impressed by such a thing, though maybe she fell because of how appalled she was?
-------------------------
Red Zoners are the natural predators of the herbivorous Green Zoners, so they often stray into the green zone to harass them. Blue Zoners aren't worth any prestige so they're usually left alone, but they sometimes take collateral damage from hockey stop ice sprays.
The easy way to handle Red Zoners is to move as predictably as possible and don't be fazed when they come charging towards you. Red Zoners lose a huge amount of rink status if they actually crash or fall over so it's in their best interests to avoid you, even if their skating doesn't make it seem that way. Moving predictably means they can plan a route around you in the most impressive fashion they can think of so everyone's kept safe and happy.
You might be tempted to contact a rink guard to get them to discourage or tell off bothersome Red Zoners, this is ill-advised though as at least half of rink guards started off as a Red Zoner (and are thus best friends with the others) while the other half are, quite sensibly, too scared to approach them.
If all else fails, Red Zoners have shockingly low stamina; they'll terrorise the rink for about 10 minutes of manic speed and charging around before leaving the ice for a rest and a play on their phones.
-------------------------
Yellow - In the centre circle of the rink lies the hallowed yellow zone, an area that is often frequented by Green Zoners that've gotten lost, or have been herded into it by some Red Zoners. Actual Yellow Zoners are typically low level free skaters or ice dancers. Their grace and poise is matched in equal part by their ability to roll their eyes and look sulky when their precious centre circle is tainted by other Zoners. Yellow Zoners deliberately hang out in the middle to give themselves some space to practise and they don't like when it's invaded.
Most Green Zoners don't even know that they've gotten in the way of a Yellow Zoner attempting a fancy move. All that happens is the Green Zoner placidly skates through the centre, blissfully unaware of the rapidly approaching Yellow Zoner who suddenly aborts their attempted move slyly and sighs heavily as another attempt at practice is thwarted.
I would recommend staying out of a Yellow Zoner's way, but there won't be any repercussions if you don't; you'll just be silently cursed and have eyes rolled in your direction while you're not looking. However, you might indirectly feel their wrath if you stand too close and overhear them complaining loudly to anyone that will listen about how inconsiderately "people are always getting in my way."
-------------------------
Bringing it together...
So you see, the delicate ecosystem of the rink plays out in a beautiful harmony. Yellow Zoners occupy the centre of the rink where, in theory, there should be the least traffic so they can practise in peace. Protecting this are the Red Zoners who need to avoid the middle to maintain their racing speeds. In turn, Red Zoners chaotic tendencies discourage the Green Zoners from straying too far from the edge of the rink. Everyone just ignores the Blue Zoners, but they continue to supply the Green Zoners with new members as Green Zoners succumb to fatigue and are eaten by the predatory Red Zoners. White Zoners just get to watch the whole affair play out.
You may wonder where all the mid-to-high level free skaters, ice dancers and actual ice hockey players are. They rarely sully themselves with public skating sessions and instead prefer to stick to the dedicated training sessions for their respective disciplines. If one does join you on the public session, you can rest assured that they are completely harmless no matter how spectacular they look, as they have considerably more control over their movements than the entire public session combined. Just stay out of their way and they'll do their best to stay out of yours.
And that brings us to the end of the public session skater taxonomic breakdown. I hope this has been informative. Don't forget to bring your spotter's guide next time you're at the rink!
... Wait, what's that? The university can't afford to continue funding my department? Sorry guys, it looks like you'll have to find another 15 credit module to fill out your credit quota. I'm still expecting the assignment though, and I'll see you all at the written exam!
This is hilarious and so true! I always feel a little better about myself in safe slow green zone and while I would have to venture into red zone to overtake lost green zoners it's definitely not somewhere I've been venturing to a enough!! I found your blog via Skating Forum - I'm also 20 something (okay 28) and started lessons about three weeks ago and am completely hooked already. I've started my own blog too and am looking for more blogs of fellow starter-outers like me for inspiration. If you're interested, my link is www.skatesicenice.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteFear not, I have already read all of your blog, and I was responsible for the comment on the skate buying!
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